MORONS

This coincides with our previous posts regarding those of a particular demographic, specifically “Bitches" and "Assholes.” I feel it necessary to now delve into a discussion of another undeniable group within society—the large and diverse group of complete and utter MORONS.

It has come to my attention that morons unfortunately do not just amble around aimlessly on the street being stupid and uttering incomprehensible things. Don’t get me wrong, they do this, but it appears that they are also traveling and working among us in a wide variety of capacities, which scares the shit out of me. While I cannot at the moment be completely comprehensive in my analysis and breakdown of the moronic, I promise that I will continue to elaborate in future posts.

The following is a partial listing of some of the morons that you have or probably will encounter at some point in your daily life:

1) The morons that operate NJ Transit:
Example: January 3, 2008, Some moron at NJ Transit decided to wake up this morning and attempt “maintenance” on the path trains, which in reality translated into lighting several path trains on fire. Moron #1 was then joined by a group of several other morons similarly employed who after proceedings all morning finally came to the unanimous and brilliant decision that all path trains into the city should be stopped. Simultaneously, a NJ transit bus driver aka moron (we’ll call him Moron #2) decided to drive his malfunctioning bus briefly through Hoboken and into the Lincoln tunnel and to conveniently break down at the entrance to the tunnel. It’s amazing how few morons it takes to block the majority of NJ pathways into the city. I was lucky enough to finally board a NYC-bound bus in Hoboken being driven by Moron #3, who thankfully appeared to be about 10 years old, mentally retarded, and absolutely incapable of driving. 1 ½ hours later, safe and sound in the beautiful Port of Stupidity, I made my way to the subway, where I was further subjected to the moronic devices of NYC mass transit. But that’s a whole other story right there for another time.

2) Moronic co-workers
As mentioned earlier, the morons among us are amazingly employed and keeping their jobs. I know because I work with many of them. While I must be careful not to go into specifics for this category, I will say this--it appears there are certain morons with whom I work that, a) do not know how to mail something, b) do not know how to answer the phone, c) do not know how to use a typewriter, d) have not yet mastered the concept of normal social communication, and e) appear to suffer from frequent and chronic memory loss. Oh how I wish I could go into further detail.

[As a side, while writing this I am realizing more and more that there is no chance of me avoiding the path towards becoming a complete and utter moron, as I am unfortunately surrounded by too many of them on a daily basis]

4) Moronic clients

Yes, it appears morons often work for the benefit of other morons. Such a scenario can often be found in the legal profession. Where do I even begin? I know I run the risk of offending people here, but who says I haven’t done so already, and guess what? I DON’T CARE. I have been continually amazed by the highly moronic nature of the immigrant clients for whom I continue to provide services for some ungodly reason. If you are going to come to this country to live and work, here are a few suggestions: 1) learn the English language, 2) learn the English language, and 3) learn the English language. Ok perhaps my emphasis on language is being influenced by the fact that I recently received a 20 minute long voicemail from a client who appeared to be under the delusion that I am fluent in Chinese. I will provide more examples of those within this category at a later date, but at the moment, I’m getting too pissed off.

5) Random morons wandering around my office building: I don’t work with them, I don’t know who they are or why they are in my building, but they are there, and they are certainly some of the most frighteningly moronic people you will ever encounter.

Example: My office building, like many others, has more than one floor. In fact, it has about 40 floors. This in turn requires elevators, because people are too fat and lazy to do stairs. In addition, all elevators in the building do not have the same destination. This inevitably leads to some confusion. Correction—this leads to complete and utter chaos. Before you go raving about the injustice of these cruelly ambiguous elevators, please note that there are signs that accompany these elevators, with the optimistic intention of providing clarity to all those planning to ascend. However, this is inherently flawed in that it assumes all elevator-riders are capable of reading. While I guess you could say that for the majority of the day I am usually angry about something, I will admit that this part of my day often provides me with a bit of evil delight. I especially love it when the quintessential moron found within this category boards the private elevator on which I am riding, which is clearly marked by a large sign marked PRIVATE. Moronic elevator rider then proceeds to press his floor of choice, and to his dismay, discovers that the elevator is being uncooperative. His first assumption is not that this is an elevator that only goes to select floors, but that perhaps this is an elevator that requires some persuasion. He therefore proceeds to press his button of choice repeatedly, each hit with slightly more aggression. To his dismay, the stubborn button has still refused to light. He then looks to his fellow elevator riders for support, because perhaps if he gets a mob on his side the elevator will have no choice but to listen. After I have had my fill of enjoyment, I inform him that this elevator will in fact never go to his floor, no matter how hard he tries, and that he will unfortunately have to try another. Perhaps if he had read the giant sign, he might have known. MORON.

I am now dumber after having written this. I am sorry to say that you probably are as well after having read this retarded post. I have also just realized that in my listing of items I accidentally omitted the “#3,” which is surely a sign that I am myself a complete and utter moron.