the asshole.
God, where do I start? Assholes are everywhere in New York. The doorman who smiles and says "have a nice day" and then proceeds to talk shit about me with his fellow doormen in espanol, the little boy who is screaming/crying "MOMMMMMMM I WANT ICE CREAM" (asshole in the making), and businessman who tries to cut in front of me in starbucks...you get the picture. below, i have listed some of the most popular types of assholes:
1. The "i am so hot i can bang any girl i want because i go tanning and gel my hair and take roids" asshole:
Do I even need to describe this type? One look at these losers and you know you are dealing with an asshole of extreme form. When dealing with this type, please realize that the asshole in question was probably verbally abused as a child and is probably hyped up on aderol right now. These assholes started as nice kids, but years of abuse from family members/peers have turned a perfectly good kid into asshole #1. the orange skin, gel in hair, 4 hours at the gym each day...all part of the quest for this asshole to feel good about himself. this is the character who spends the majority of his time sexually harrassing women of all shapes and sizes in places like marquee or pink elephant (he is on a first name basis with the doormen). this asshole usually attracts slutty girls and berates self-respecting women. he has posters of paris hilton and a variety of famous porn stars on his walls. you can usually spot A#1 by looking for cold sores on his lips. enticing.
2. The "i was here first so i am staying in this seat even though you are 8 months pregnant and it is 85 degrees in here" asshole:
Usually a bitter, older man who will disrespect you to your face. A#2 is not only rude to women, but to men, children, and living things in general (plants and animals). this is the guy who speeds his car up through the crosswalk when the pedestrians have the "go" sign. he flashes his finger high in the air when the aforementioned pedestrians yell, "fuck you, asshole." i actually found myself in a physical altercation with A#2 just this morning, when he pushed me off the sidewalk and into the street on his way to work. i, being a bitch, ran back onto the sidewalk just to push him back. the situation could have escalated quickly, and i almost wish it did, so i could be in the police station all day today instead of here, writing this.
3. the eclectic "i hate everyone in the whole wide world and i am going to kill myself soon so that gives me the right to blatantly disrespect you" asshole:
Clynically depressed. Usually went to art school. Lives in soho or greenwich village. Sits in his room smoking in the corner while editing his "lives that i am going to terminate soon" list. hair died black. looks anorexic. various piercings. A#3 will tell you to go fuck yourself if you ask him for the time or directions.
4. The "i drive a porsche and let women off the elevator first but in reality have no respect for them" asshole:
Usually hails from Greenwich, Connecticut or a similar place. A#4 attended private school for his entire childhood and then went off to excel in his studies at Yale. He now works at Goldman and summers in the Hamptons. This man has impeccable manners--he holds the door, says "excuse me, miss, i think you dropped this," he pays for dinner, etc. Sounds great, right? These assholes are usually not exposed in their true form until after they have been in a relationship for 6 months or more. If you meet one on the street, you'll think "my, what a gentlemen." STAY AWAY!!!! you will soon discover that he is a mysogynist with a capital M. He will someday cheat on his wife and become emotionally estranged from his children.
5. Assholes in female form:
I include myself in this category for the following reasons:
- i scream obscenities every morning as i'm getting ready for work. omg where is my
bronzer? fuck! SHITTTTTTTT. GOD DAMNIT I HATE EVERYONE
- i am 40 minutes late every single morning. i then proceed to take a 30 minutes starbucks
break, read perezhilton, talk on gmail, and do other miscellaneous bullshit things like this
blog. talk about blatent disrespect.
- i call my mom and blame her for the fact that my vacuum doesn't work/the lamp is
broken in my apartment. bitch.
- i told the guy with the beard and top hat who sits on the corner of park and 52nd to stop
fucking asking me if im jewish. he told me i was going to burn in hell. i told him to get a
real job.
that's it. have a nice day. sincerely, A#5
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