Bitches

Ok before you write this post off as being completely inappropriate, please be aware that my intention here is to seriously analyze the history, types, and some of the motivations behind being what we like to call a "bitch."

The bitch phenomenon materialized pretty much since the creation of man, or should I say woman, but I feel as though in recent times it has metastasized at a particularly rapid rate. Ok maybe that's just because I'm in New York City, and in a city of 8 million people, hey, you're bound to run into a good number of bitches. But before you go getting testy, or should I say "bitchy" in reaction to this, please be aware that I am not excluding myself from this category. I know for a fact that those who have encountered me on the streets of New York have in one way or another written me off either mentally or what is often the case, vocally, as a "bitch." I am not too sure of the reasoning for this, but believe it may have something to do with my propensity to shove people when they are walking too slowly in front of me, or perhaps it's the look of utter disgust that seems to always define my facial expressions on weekdays before the hour of 9 am. Either way, I would like to think that under the personality category next to my name that the word "bitch" does not appear. Instead, I hope that the description reads something along the lines of "is generally nice, friendly and attentive to others, but at times extremely bitchy." But enough about me, let's talk about other bitches.

Types of Bitches:

1) Bitches in Disguise: Some of you may have taken time out of your day to catch the movie "Mean Girls." Trust me, time well spent. I cannot emphasize to you enough the high educational value of this movie, specifically with regards to the topic at hand. Anyway, as for my first category "bitches in disguise," I like to describe these girls as the "I love your skirt so much (NOT)" girls. If they don't have a burn book at home, they have something like it. Oh and completely off topic, but extremely important, I'm bringing back the above use of "NOT" in daily conversation. I love how it grants you the ability to instill within people an overwhelming sense of hope and gratitude and then allows you to instantly stifle it with one giant crushing utterance of this wonderful little three letter word. What power! Wow I am a bitch.

2) Explicit Bitches:

These girls cannot hide their bitchiness no matter how hard they try. Everything about them emanates bitchiness, it even seeps out through their pores. I may or may not work with some of them...

3) Fleeting Bitches:

This is a popular category that many of us fit into about once a month. It is a much more excusable type of bitchiness, and ranks much lower on the bitchiness richter scale.

4) Disgustingly Nice Bitches:

These girls are so nice and bubbly and friendly it's disgusting. You may confuse this with category one and think it is purposeful fakeness. But this category differs in that these girls actually think they are this happy and friendly and love everyone. What they naively do not realize is that they are so happy and disgustingly nice that it actually categorizes them as some of the worst bitches out there.

I hope I have now sufficiently depressed you. Of course there are a million other types of bitches out there that I did not touch upon. And we have not yet delved beneath the surface of what actually leads someone down the bitchiness road. But do not worry, I'm not going anywhere, and there are more posts to be done...