Bachelorettes Anonymous

Is there a support group for recovering perpetually single people?

With yesterday's 5 month anniversary, I have now passed all previous pathetic personal length-of-relationship records. In the past I had a 2 month statute of limitations. Once this time period expired, the said boyfriend would no longer be eligible for any kind of interest whatsoever from me. Oh, except that one time I got dumped. But let's not talk about that.

I am coming to realize that I truly was, and still am, despite my best efforts to change, the female equivalent of a male bachelor. Often you don't know what you had until it's gone. For example: I like letting my legs get hairy in the winter. I like wearing ugly grandma underwear whenever I feel like it. When I don't feel like doing laundry 2 weeks in a row, I enjoy wearing ugly grandma underwear with large holes in it, knowing that it's my own little secret (and yours now too I suppose. Tell anyone and I kill you). When I'm in a random bitchy mood for no particular reason, I like being mean to everyone within a 50 foot radius of my personal space and curling up on the couch with my pals Ben & Jerry. I like making spur of the moment plans with friends. I like spending all day Saturday and Sunday doing the things I love by myself: riding my horse, running on dirt roads, buying trashy magazines and reading them in Starbucks. I like spending Friday and Saturday nights drunkenly with friends and other random people and seeing where the night takes me.

I have come to realize that I am more stuck in my ways than a 50-year-old unmarried man. My horse is his Corvette. My Starbucks and girl nights are his beer and football.

Now that the 2 month grace period of falling in love has passed (where both people think the other is absolutely perfect, can do no wrong, and was sent to Earth by God to be their soulmate) I'm finally starting to notice the flaws that my boyfriend, just like every other person in the world, most defintely has. He leaves gross little hairs in the soap. He farts a lot. He expects me to make plans 2 weeks in advance and pencil them in on his calendar. He doesn't have a car because he doesn't need one, but needs to borrow mine 2-3 times a week.

As I struggle to find time for work, horse, friends, and boyfriend, I find my alone time dwindling more and more. I also hear the little voice in the back of my head more frequently cutting through the fog of true-love bliss, screaming, "CUT AND RUN!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!! THIS GUY FARTS MORE THAN YOU DO!!!"

When I think I'm about to explode from craving my single life freedom, I finally dump on him the 29040384098 little things that have been pissing me off. And what never ceases to amaze me is that inevitably he responds with something like, "You're right. I'm sorry and I'll really work hard to change that." How the hell can you get any satisfaction out of arguing with someone when they actually concede and AGREE with you?!?! This is a new one on me... and maybe what makes this one different.

So if anyone has heard of a Bachelorettes Anonymous support group, sign me up for that shit.

ps - Em, does this mean you've been recording your daily run-ins with the midget in your diary? Maybe right next to the little hearts and cupids you drew all over the margins?